I’ve Got It Easy and I’m Feeling A Little Guilty

At the moment I’ve got rather a simple and stress-free carry on. I’m loving it. But there’s this little niggling part of me that’s feeling awfully guilty about it and I feel like I have to keep justifying it.

That little, insistent, interior voice is constantly suggesting things that I ‘should’ be doing.

Inside Voice: “You should be up at 7am and in the studio for 9 AT THE LATEST!”

Me: “I’ve done that for the last three months and I like to be able to wake with the sun (getting on for 8am in this latitude at the time of writing). Or even have a lie in. Imagine that.”

Inside Voice: “Whatever. But you really should be writing at least 3 minutes of music PER DAY!”

Me: “Aw come on – I like to play around with tunes and harmonies and sounds sometimes. Hey, often the best and surprising pieces come from experimentation. Plus I just got this new sample library/piece of kit/new plugin and I want to explore it. Lay off, ok?”

Inside Voice: “Fine, but you should be working ’til at least 7pm at night, whatever it is you’re working on. And stop watching so many DVD boxsets.”

Me: “God your mean. Plus DVDs count as research…”

etc.

Ok. So there’s possibly something a little schizoid about all of that. Welcome to my world.

For the last few weeks I’ve been composing music in the morning and tackling admin/email/phone calls around late-lunchtime. After that, my afternoon is a free-for-all.

I read fiction and non-fiction, I write (words), I bake awesome vegan cookies, I clean the flat (occasionally), I go out for coffee, see the family, do a little DIY, declutter, tweak my website design, pick out cool bits of projects I’ve worked on recently for the showreel, catch up with friends, go for walks, eat delicious food and not worry about whether it’s going to make me too tired to work afterwards, plan holidays.

Yeah, I know, so rock ‘n’ roll.

But, hey, I’m productive, and only as I’m inspired to be – there are no To-Do lists, only ‘What I’d Like to Do’ lists.

I’m relieved to discover this: I don’t seem to be pushing myself to compose. Conversely, on project, writing to deadline, I’m often using skills and experience to write fast with no second-guessing. There’s no choice in the matter – I write even when I don’t feel like it, when it’s the last thing I want to do (although that’s rare, it does happen), and I meet deadlines no matter what. Sometimes it’s tough, but I rather get off on the challenge to be honest. A touch masochistic? Perhaps, but maybe it comes with the territory.

Instead, during these last few weeks I’ve been able to doodle, noodle, experiment, play around with ideas and just ‘brain splurge’ without pre-judgement… and then pick out the bits I like best to form into fully-fledged pieces. It’s such a relief to realise that I still enjoy the experimental process of composing rather than it just being all about the satisfaction of completing tracks.

And it feels like the music just writes itself.

It’s turning into a little bit of a productivity experiment. I’m starting to question various assumptions I’ve had about inspiration, creativity and productivity:

• Am I more or less productive or creative when I don’t have a fixed schedule or a project deadline?
• Do I need a great project to work on to give me the impetus to create music?
• Am I happier with the music I write when I can persue other passions that are non-music-related, maybe not even work-related?

We’ll see. So far so good – music-wise, I’m averaging a track per week (which usually gets submitted to Premiumbeat.com).

Lifewise, I feel like I’m living more in the moment. I don’t have to push myself to work. I look forward to writing when I’m inspired in the mornings and I’m excited about where my whims will take me during the afternoons. 🙂

And at the end of the day, I always feel like I’ve spent my day usefully, productively and creatively – and I’ve had fun.

So I definitely deserve the latest episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ or ‘Fringe’ courtesy of Lovefilm. 😉

My final response to that Interior Voice – time to shush. Let the experiment commence.